Ruining The New York Knicks

by Bodog Sportsbook | May 14 2008

While bettors are wrapped up in watching the elite teams battle it out in the NBA playoffs, one of the worst teams in the NBA is trying to get better. With the hiring of new "run-n-gun" coach Mike D’Antoni, New York is finally heading in the right direction. But Knicks fans know it’ll be a long road back to respectability. To truly understand just how far the New York Knicks have fallen, we have to go back to the beginning of the pain. Here’s how Isiah Thomas might have laid out his master plan to systematically lay waste to one of the NBA’s most storied franchises.


"You are getting veerrrry sleepy..." Newly named team president Isiah Thomas begins to work his magic on the media in 2003.

Sleight Of Hand

2003 – Get job
Fool Knicks owner James Dolan into thinking I can maximize our resources by providing better value in each of the core competencies throughout the organizational structure. Or some other bullshit I read in the Beginners Marketing glossary I found on this “Google” thing. Oh, and ramp up visibility after doing a deep dive in order to minimize costs. Yeah...

2005 – Maximize cost
Sign or trade for a bunch of overrated and overpaid players including journeyman backup center Jerome James to a foolish contract, one that everyone knows is a complete waste of money. Jerome and I should have been wearing ski masks with our fingers pointing through our jacket pockets at Mr. Dolan when he signed this deal. For an obscene fair sum of $30 million, Mr. Dolan got 2.9 points and 2.2 rebounds for 22 games. Also - miss playoffs.

2006 – Fire Hall of Fame coach
Throw legendary Hall of Fame head coach Larry Brown out the door. Maybe even open it. Depends on my mood.

2006 – Replace Hall of Fame coach with… ME!
Pure genius. I will now get into the heads of the players and bring this monster down from within the belly of the beast. I’m like those olden cats in my wooden horse. “Beware of Zekes bearing gifts!” P.S. Don’t forget to miss playoffs.

2006 – Start a fight with a bitch in a headband
Threaten Carmelo Anthony that he better not go into the paint. Then get some kid to knock little J.R. Smith on his ass. Note: When the fight breaks out look sad and confused with my hands up in the air. Check. I’m awesome.

2007 – Sexually harass co-workers
Tell that hot piece Anucha down in marketing “I love you” 400 times a day, ask if she wants to see my “massive kickstand” and just to make sure she knows I mean it, give her the cute pet name “Bitch.” That’s cool, right? Whew, almost forgot to miss playoffs. Crisis averted.

2007 – Suffer the worst defeat… ever
Losing to the Celtics 104-56 will surely show everyone how far their mighty Knickerbockers have fallen. Dammit! Stupid 3-pointers. They’ll still all go home cursing my name and crying about the glory days. Then I’ll tell them the glory days do exist. They were 1988-90, before that lanky ball hog Jordan got all uppity.

2008 – Blatantly lie
Talk a bunch of smack about “returning to championship glory” and that I won’t leave until “I’ve turned the team around.” Watch NBA fans around the world laugh at me for days and then slowly become confused when they realize I actually seem serious.

2008 – Get fired
Have some hack like Donnie Walsh come in as the new asshat/overlord in charge. I’ll make him as uncomfortable as possible by constantly making racist and sexually charged comments about his wife’s mama-jamas, then stare at him like he was my lead suspect in a murder investigation before slowly walking away in silence to my office. That should about do it.

Isiah may have been a complete success in his eyes, but Knicks fans are breathing easier now knowing that Donnie Walsh has come in and hired popular head coach Mike D’Antoni away from Phoenix. As the future of the Isiah-less New York Knicks continues to brighten, don’t forget to bet on the current stars shining in this year’s NBA playoffs. Get all your NBA odds in the Bodog Sportsbook.